When Arguments Turn Into Justification
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"The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression." — Proverbs 19:11
Have you ever been in a conversation with your spouse that started small but somehow exploded into something much bigger? Maybe you were just trying to bring up a concern, but before you knew it, one of you was justifying, over-explaining, or—worse—dragging past mistakes into the conversation. Suddenly, the original issue is buried under years of unresolved frustration, and neither of you feels heard.
This happens in so many marriages. A simple discussion turns into a full-blown argument, not because of what was said, but because of how it was handled. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, one person feels triggered and starts defending their actions. The other person gets frustrated, and before long, you’re stuck in a cycle of justifying, blaming, and rehashing old wounds.
But here’s the thing—God’s Word gives us a different approach.
Letting an Offense Go
Proverbs 19:11 tells us, "The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression." In other words, wisdom says we don’t have to react to every offense. Not everything needs to turn into a debate, and not every issue needs to be "won."
The problem is, when one spouse won’t let an issue pass—even a small one—it can stir up unnecessary conflict. Maybe you’ve seen this play out:
Your spouse brings something up, and instead of responding calmly, you feel attacked and start listing all the reasons why you’re justified.
One of you brings up something from the past that should have been left there, turning the discussion into a history lesson on past mistakes.
The argument shifts from resolving the issue to proving who’s "more right."
None of this leads to resolution. It just builds walls between you and your spouse, making future conversations even harder.
What Does God Say About This?
The Bible warns us about how we use our words, especially in marriage. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back." Just because we feel like explaining ourselves or proving a point doesn’t mean we should.
Ephesians 4:29 also reminds us, "Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers." If our words aren’t bringing healing or understanding, we need to ask ourselves: What are they doing? Are they tearing down our spouse? Are they creating more division?
When we bring up past mistakes or try to justify our actions instead of listening, we shift the focus away from resolution and onto self-protection. That’s where marriages start to break down. Over time, it creates a pattern where both spouses feel unheard, resentful, and exhausted by conversations that never seem to go anywhere.
How to Break the Cycle
So, how do we stop this from happening in our marriage? How do we handle disagreements in a way that strengthens our relationship instead of breaking it down?
Pause Before Responding – Ask yourself, Am I speaking to bring peace, or am I speaking to prove a point?
Stay in the Present – Bringing up the past won’t fix today’s issue. Focus on what’s happening now.
Seek Understanding, Not Victory – If your goal is to "win" the argument, you’re already losing. A healthy marriage is about unity, not keeping score.
Recognize When You’re Justifying – If your response is all about why you were "right" instead of acknowledging how your spouse feels, it’s time to step back.
Pick Grace – Not every disagreement needs to be hashed out. Sometimes, letting go is the best way to move forward.